By Tim Elmore – When Carol reminded her class about Friday’s exam, she got a surprising text from one of her students. Chelsea’s message said, “I won’t be in class for the test tomorrow. I’m just not my best self this week.” – Carol was disappointed but also felt she owed Chelsea some hard truth. When the student returned to class, Carol pulled her aside and explained, “You know, after graduation, you won’t be able to excuse yourself from a special task at work because you’re not your best self. I suggest you figure out a way to gather your strength and show up even on tough days.” – It was at that point Chelsea gasped as if her teacher had assaulted her. She replied that she felt triggered and could not continue the conversation. She left for the restroom and didn’t return to class for almost twenty minutes. Naturally, Chelsea expected her teacher to help her catch up on the instruction she had missed. – Carol responded instead, “Chelsea—catching up on what you missed is up to you. Talk to a fellow student.” – This seemed to be the end of the discussion. – Two days later, however, Carol received a note from her principal asking her to “lighten up.” Apparently, Chelsea’s mother had paid him a visit, and this was his solution—Carol was not to confront her students (especially Chelsea) this bluntly again. – When Students Appear Fragile Offering hard feedback has never been easy, but today, it is tougher than ever. We seem to have caved to the idea that kids are fragile and need lots of warning and preparation for tough situations. If that’s true, it is we who’ve created this monster. Kids are naturally “anti-fragile.” Toddlers hop back up when they learn to walk; kids forgive wrongs easier than adults do, and they have immune systems that organically combat disease and germs. These all signal what comes naturally for young people. I believe we have caused this fragility today. – Adults, even caring parents, teachers, and employers, have overcompensated in favor of “safety” in our society and chosen to allow fragility to grow in younger generations: –
– This assumption that students are fragile is relatively new. A hundred years ago, we believed kids were robust and resilient—and it’s a good thing. Those kids grew up equipped to face the Great Depression and World War II. Adults prepared them to become agile, not fragile. Greg Lukianoff, co-author of The Coddling of the American Mind, wrote, “Many university students today are learning to think in distorted ways, and this increases their likelihood of becoming fragile, anxious, and easily hurt.” – 6 Strategies to Offer Feedback in a Fragile World
Today, relationships mean far more than positions or badges. We earn the right to offer hard feedback by cultivating a personal and authentic relationship with a young person. In short, genuine connection must precede critical input. We must connect before we correct. Then, asking permission to have a tough conversation earns a receptive ear. –
Our feedback has little chance of transforming young people if it’s a general attack on their work. We must target one area where we’d like to see improvement and focus our input on that. Being targeted means we emulate a doctor performing surgery. Surgeons almost always target their operation on one area (a tumor, a bone, an organ) instead of carving up the patient’s entire body. –
The key is to offer any feedback from a context of belief. You expect a lot from them because you believe a lot in them. Studies from Ivy League schools prove that student effort improves dramatically when leaders communicate this sentiment: “I’m giving you this feedback because I have high expectations of you, and I know you can reach them.” –
I have found I gain a more positive response from someone who’s receiving my feedback if I clarify I see their current progress. Some time ago, I challenged a leader to improve, and she became preoccupied with the fact that I failed to show I noticed she was doing better than before. Once I began acknowledging her progress, she was willing to push further. –
Forget the annual review or the yearly parent updates. People need real-time feedback for it to feel authentic. Don’t let pent-up frustration build until you vomit emotionally on a student or parent. Wait a day until you get over your own emotions, but set up a time to meet quickly. –
When students receive feedback, they’ll be frustrated unless they have a path to improve. In a broader sense, think about where the student is going, how the student is doing now, and what the next step is. If you tell them they must do better, furnish a plan for them to do just that. – We owe our students this gift of feedback. Don’t run from it in the name of comfort or popularity. Winston Churchill said, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.” The growth and development of our students is our highest calling. – The post How to Offer Feedback in a Fragile World appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/Y3IgqsA
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By Tim Elmore – These days, I’m reading about school decisions regarding smartphone use, ranging from banning portable devices to displaying laissez-faire attitudes regarding phones. Many educators and support staff feel that students’ constant access to social media on their smartphones harms their mental well-being and hinders their ability to learn. Some educators go so far as to say that students are addicted to their devices. – Phones have been a “tug of war” issue in schools for over ten years. Pressure is felt on every side, and neither the teacher nor the students are bad guys here. On the one hand, teachers clearly see students distracted by social media posts and notifications, preventing them from focusing on their work or even enjoying peace of mind. On the other hand, parents want to stay in touch with their children who, of course, feel deprived without them. Below are three examples of what schools are doing to manage this issue. – So—I’d like to hear from you. I want to start a conversation about the best solutions. – Remove the Mirrors Solution One North Carolina middle school came up with a way to curb TikTok use among its students: removing bathroom mirrors. For the Southern Alamance Middle School in Graham, North Carolina, it was affecting attendance and productivity. Students at the school were “going to the bathroom for long periods of time (and up to nine times a day) making TikTok videos,” Les Atkins, a spokesman for the Alamance-Burlington School System, said. – The school chose not to ban cell phones for safety concerns—namely, the record number of school shootings on school campuses last year. Parents want to know they can contact their child. The faculty believes that students need to learn how to be responsible with devices and that removing them steals that opportunity. Technology can ensure that all students are accounted for. So, this middle school removed bathroom mirrors and uses a “digital hall pass system” to track its students. – Remove the Phone Solution Hundreds of students walked out of classes and off the school campus when they heard that portable devices were recently banned inside Madison High School in Houston, Texas. School leaders and board of education members decided to outlaw smart phones, noting the data that points to phones as not only a source of distraction but of anxiety and even depression. – It was a well-intentioned decision, but their students feel empowered to protest what they don’t like, and, in this case, they did just that. The very phones that were outlawed are the source of their high sense of agency. Students admitted this was a long time coming. One of them said it’s not just the anxiety and the distractions, either. Madison Rittenhouse said, “It’s the fights and kids bringing weapons and the kids and their drama.” So, this school chose to do away with them. _ Remove the Options Solution Countless middle and high schools have taken a different, more hybrid route. Knowing that 95 percent of teens between ages 13-17 report using social media, and more than a third say they use it “almost constantly” (according to the U.S. Surgeon General), many schools have chosen a solution in the middle. – Classrooms have a wall hanging with pockets for students to place their phones inside as they walk into class. When a teacher wants them to use their portable device, they retrieve it for the classroom project and then return it immediately afterward. At the end of school, students are free to take it home or to their after-school activity. This solution recognizes that technology is neither good nor evil but can be utilized for educational purposes while on campus. This is an answer in the middle. – I want to know your perspective. Is a school right to ban the phones? Do students have a right to bring their portable devices into the bathroom? How about the classroom? What is your school doing, and what solution do you feel is the best long-term answer? – Click here to let us know your thoughts on the best ways to prevent social media abuse. – The post Strategies Schools Are Using to Curb Social Media Abuse appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/V4vtyLZ 
By Tim Elmore __ I know, I know. Your days each week are crazy. You’re busy. Your kids are busy. And often, family times are reduced to eating chicken nuggets in the minivan while on your way from piano lessons to soccer practice. __ Years ago, my wife, Pam, and our daughter, Bethany, dropped me off at the airport for yet another trip I would take that month. Bethany was only three at the time, and when she looked at the crowded airport, she said to me, “Dad—do you live here?” __ That’s when I knew I had to be more intentional about my family time. __ The Invaluable Lesson I Learned I was serving under John Maxwell’s leadership during that season. I started in 1983 and have served somewhere next to him since then. As he and I noticed our need for a plan to lead our families well, I had an epiphany. The answer was not to prioritize our schedule but rather to schedule our priorities. We had to take advantage of the times we naturally have in our days at home. For me, I began to leverage four natural junctions: __
__ Let’s face it. These four daily periods are often wasted instead of redeemed for growth and helpful conversation. The key is to use each junction to serve a function! Years ago, my friend Reggie Joiner reminded me that parents can serve different roles during different times of the day. At bedtime, for example, we can naturally play the role of counselor. My kids were much more vulnerable with me at bedtime. At mealtime, we can serve as a teacher, debriefing the day and making sense of what happened. During drive time, we can serve as a friend, listening to and discussing what the song lyrics mean and how they should or should not shape our worldview. Finally, morning time is perfect for playing the role of a cheerleader, encouraging them to be prepared to serve others that day. __ Let me offer some questions for conversation at each of these junctions: __
__ Over time, being intentional meant taking each of my kids out on dates and talking specifically about the topics that interested them. It meant going on trips, even service trips, where they would learn from others and sometimes serve those strangers in that foreign place. It meant welcoming people into our home and teaching our kids what it means to host others experientially. Finally, it meant reading books together. __ Which is what drove me to create a book for this very purpose. __ I Can’t Wait! I’ve been collecting and curating such stories for years and placed them in a book called: “I Can’t Wait: 52 Stories of Kids Who Changed Their World…That You Can Discuss Together.” These short stories make up 52 chapters, one a week for an entire year. They include discussion questions and a link to a video about the young person in that chapter. They’re about people, ages five to twenty-four, who stepped up and did something rather than “veg” on the sofa, binging Netflix shows or watching TikTok videos. __ Consider what your family might look like if once a week if one of these stories provided a great spark for conversation. The stories will inspire and amaze both kids and adults. Ann was a teen who invented a flashlight that doesn’t require batteries or electricity. It is powered by the body heat of your hand. She designed it for a friend in the Philippines who couldn’t do her homework at night since she had no electricity. Louie was a kid who accidentally blinded himself with a tool from his dad’s shed. When he began attending a school for the blind, he noticed they used a pitiful system for reading. This kid, Louie Braille, developed a system of reading for the blind that people now use worldwide. What’s more, Louie used the very tool that blinded him to create the raised dots in his system. His problem became a possibility. __ These stories will spark leadership insights for your kids. And who knows? Maybe reading them in those daily junctions will serve a leadership development function. __ The post Taking Advantage of Natural Junctions in the Day with Your Kids appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/Uawh4JR 
By Tim Elmore Looking back on my life and career, I see more gains than losses. Upon deeper reflection, however, I think my memory is reconstructed. While I recall tragedies, setbacks, and losses, I see them through a different lens than most people do. I’m not in “denial,” but I perceive how each disadvantage became an advantage. A few examples are…
My point is that we can determine what we see because we can choose what we look at. And what we focus on expands. Our trouble is that we ruminate instead of reflect. My friend Randy Hain just reminded me that we often drift into ruminating on what we’ve lost instead of reflecting on what we’ve gained. Let me offer three options we have when facing a loss. It can DEFINE you. For millions, this is their default mechanism. They suffer a tragic loss (a job, a family member, an investment, a spouse, a promotion, you name it), and this loss begins to define who they are. Their self-image morphs based on what’s been taken away. They suffer “imposter syndrome,” believing that maybe they didn’t really deserve that job anyway. Soon, they make decisions based on their plummeting sense of identity, and it’s confirmed over and over. Before they know it, depression sets in, and their ambition evaporates. They’re now defined by a setback, perhaps a single setback, and their life is never the same again. The antidote for this is something we know deep down but forget in this emotional state. We must never place our sense of identity in something that can be taken away. Athletes suffer when they place their entire sense of self in their sport and they age out. Our talent, looks, or income should not define who we believe we are. The healthiest people choose something internal and eternal to define them. What’s inside of you and before you are more important than what’s behind you. It can CONFINE you. This response is also common and only slightly better than the first one. Many people suffer a loss, and they allow yesterday to confine what they imagine for tomorrow. An experience molds and restricts them from the freedom to envision significant success. When a loss defines us, it diminishes our sense of identity. When a loss confines us, it diminishes our sense of capacity. We might remain emotionally healthy people, but we settle for less. We are limited and hampered more than in the past. We tell others we’ve become more realistic, but that’s a copout. We’re more pessimistic about our prospects and constrained in what we’ll attempt. The antidote for this is to reflect on our best days, not our worst ones. After a loss, I spend time thinking about my most significant accomplishments. I read “thank you” notes I’ve received and even affirm out loud what I know to be true about myself. While this may sound cheesy, it prevents the mental limitations that come from the negative narratives around us. If we fail to handle losses well, we’ll eventually go to our graves with loads of potential still inside us. Never let your yesterday keep you from your tomorrow. Learn from it, but don’t live with it. It can REFINE you. This option is the one I’ve chosen. It’s healthy in that it assesses the loss that’s happened yet allows it to play a proper, positive role in our growth. When we let losses and failures refine us, we avoid a state of denial and embrace a state of development. We can genuinely say: “I am a work in progress.” As I review my setbacks—car accidents, a chronic disease, a plane crash, theft, and a lawsuit—I worked to make them tollbooths, not roadblocks for me. I paid a price and continued forward. They were hurdles that made me more agile and less fragile. How do we enable losses to refine us? Three key decisions. First is our attitude. We must remain optimistic and hopeful about our future. We must maintain a strong sense of identity. Second is our accountability. We must position people we admire next to us to hold us accountable to learn from and gain from our losses. We must request they ask us hard questions. Third is our teachability. We must embrace a growth mindset, not a fixed mindset. We must refuse to drift into a victim mentality by recognizing how we benefit from our losses or setbacks. This enables us to turn disadvantages into advantages. Winston Churchill exhorted us, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Robert Jordan framed it thusly, “The oak fought the wind and was broken; the willow bent when it must and survived.” If you’d like to dive deeper into conversations like this with your students or the young adults in your life, we invite you to explore our Habitudes leadership curriculum. Grounded in established research, Habitudes is an image-based leadership development curriculum that empowers educators, coaches, parents, and mentors to prepare any student to become a leader. Using stories, images and experiences, Habitudes teaches young adults valuable perspectives and leadership habits. Learn more about Habitudes today by clicking here. The post You Have 3 Options When You Face a Loss This Year appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/PDJSBEL In the bustling business realm, the heartbeat of success isn’t just in the numbers; it’s in the people. A positive workplace culture isn’t a mere accessory to a company; it is the backbone of business success. A workplace where employees feel valued, motivated, and engaged doesn’t just boost morale – it drives productivity, innovation, and overall business growth. Here’s why fostering a positive workplace culture is beneficial and essential for your company’s success.
A positive workplace culture fosters high levels of employee engagement. Engaged employees are passionate about their work; they are committed to the company’s goals and go the extra mile to contribute. Engaged employees are not just productive; they are innovative, collaborating effectively and generating fresh ideas that drive the business forward.
A workplace culture prioritizes well-being and creates an environment where employees feel cared for. When employees feel supported mentally, physically, and emotionally, they experience lower stress levels, better health, and higher job satisfaction. This, in turn, reduces absenteeism, enhances productivity, and contributes to a positive workplace atmosphere.
Positive workplace cultures emphasize teamwork and collaboration. When employees feel valued and respected, they are more likely to collaborate, share knowledge, and support one another. Strong team collaboration leads to better problem-solving, efficient project execution, and a harmonious work environment.
Companies with positive workplace cultures are magnets for top talent. Job seekers are attracted to organizations where they know they will be valued, have growth opportunities, and be part of a supportive community. Moreover, when employees are happy and engaged, they are more likely to stay with the company, reducing turnover rates and the costs associated with hiring and training new staff.
A positive workplace culture motivates employees to perform at their best. Employees who are happy and satisfied are more focused, productive, and creative. Encouraging a culture that values innovation and celebrates new ideas leads to continuous improvement and drives the company to stay ahead in the competitive market.
Happy employees create happy customers. When employees are engaged and motivated, they provide exceptional customer service. A positive workplace culture instills a sense of employee pride and commitment, reflecting positively on customer interactions. This enhanced customer experience leads to customer loyalty and positive word-of-mouth referrals.
As businesses invest in nurturing a positive workplace environment, they sow the seeds for a thriving, resilient, and successful organization. A positive workplace culture isn’t just a foundation; it’s the soul of business success. via Adam Berman Attorney | Business & Development https://ift.tt/RxVoI4m 
By Tim Elmore
One of my most common concerns is to miss important information when making decisions. I don’t want to feel I’m in the dark on the data. I want to make informed choices. Below, I have curated recent findings from the Pew Research Center, Gallup, the CDC, and other sources to give you a big-picture vantage point on life and education in 2024.
More people are concerned with the effects of artificial intelligence. This issue has become obvious to most educators and parents today. Over half say the increased use of artificial intelligence in daily life makes them feel more concerned than excited—up 14 percent from last year, according to an August survey. Overall, 52 percent of Americans say they feel this way, an increase from 38 percent in December 2022. People seem to agree that just because we can do something with tech doesn’t mean we should. Kevin Kelly said it best: “Our smart technology advances so quickly it outpaces our ability to civilize it.” We must build ethics and morals in our students if we hope to manage and master our technology.
My suggestions:
More kids fear gun violence, which affects their mental health. We all know today’s students are struggling with mental health issues, particularly anxiety. The number of U.S. children and teens killed by gunfire rose 50 percent in just two years, according to a 2023 analysis of data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). In 2019, there were 1,732 gun-deaths among U.S. children and teens under 18. By 2021, that figure had increased to 2,590. This is clearly a thing, and it’s not going away. We do no good in pursuing academic or graduation goals when a major hurdle preventing students’ learning is their mental health. I’m not diminishing the importance of academics, but years from now we must not look back on these days and see that we failed to address the whole student, including their mind, will, and emotions.
My suggestions:
Boys continue to fall behind in school and life. While more girls report suffering from depression, the increase among boys is greater, a 161 percent increase since 2010, according to the U.S. National Survey on Drug Use and Health. Their growth in mental health problems remains hidden from man since it is driven by sources beyond social media. New research released by the American Institute for Business Management reports that suicide rates among boys are higher than among girls and is the deepest sign of trouble for males. Girls continue to fare better in the classroom, including college graduation rates. Further, manufacturing jobs in the U.S. have decreased (in which male strength is an asset) and service jobs have increased (where females show some advantage). Further, a higher rate of males have withdrawn from the real world and engaged in a virtual world with video games, which doesn’t help job readiness.
My suggestions:
Kids need guidance from adults regarding technology and social media. YouTube, TikTok, Snapchat, and Instagram remain the most popular social media platforms among American teens. A majority say they’ve used these apps and sites, including nearly one in five who say they use YouTube or TikTok “almost constantly.” I believe we were all ambushed as social media surfaced over 15 years ago. Today’s middle school students are not emotionally ready to fend off addiction to technology. (Adults have a hard enough time eluding addictions to smart technology). Cell phones have changed the way we communicate and spend discretionary time. Smartphones were even more of a game changer. I believe most of us got ambushed. Without considering the downside of tech’s negative consequences, parents let portable devices become a “one-eyed babysitter” that frees them up to do their own thing. Parents and teachers must provide guidance and accountability to teens, and especially to younger children.
My suggestions:
I know a high school principal who held an assembly for her students and shared changes the school planned to make in light of this data. She and her APs took some of the steps I suggested above. Afterward, a student approached her to say, “Thank you.” The principal smiled and replied, “You’re welcome, but for what?” The teen replied, “I feel like you understand us.” In my humble opinion, that’s one of the best compliments a school leader can receive.
The post Research that Informs Your Decisions This School Year appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/H8pVLcB Real estate negotiation is an art that requires finesse, strategy, and a deep understanding of the market dynamics. Whether you are a buyer aiming for the best deal or a seller looking to maximize your profit, mastering the art of negotiation is crucial. Here are some valuable tips for buyers and sellers to navigate the complexities of real estate negotiations successfully.
For Buyers:
For Sellers:
via Adam Berman Attorney | Real Estate https://ift.tt/xDvEQNB 
By Andrew McPeak
“To live with joy is to live with wonder, gratitude, and hope.” — David Brooks
In 2014, a fascinating report from the Harvard Graduation School of Education’s Making Caring Common Project revealed a startling contrast between the message parents intend to send to their children and the one that is getting through. The report entitled “The Children We Mean to Raise: The Real Messages Adults Are Sending About Values” surveyed over 10,000 middle and high school-aged students about what was most important to them: “achieving at a high level, happiness (feeling good most of the time), or caring for others.”
The results were striking:
“Almost 80% of youth picked high achievement or happiness as their top choice, while roughly 20% selected caring for others.” One student in the survey summed up their opinion: “If you are not happy, life is nothing. After that, you want to do well. And after that, expend any excess energy on others.”
What’s most interesting about this blatantly self-focused perspective in our students is where they got it from. In similar surveys of adults over the same timeframe, “most parents and teachers say that developing caring children is a top priority and rank it as more important than children’s achievements.” But youth aren’t buying it:
“About 80% of the youth in our survey report that their parents are more concerned about achievement or happiness than caring for others. A similar percentage of youth perceive teachers as prioritizing students’ achievements over their caring. Youth were also 3 times more likely to agree than disagree with this statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”
I’d like to summarize all that we are learning here: 1. If you ask a parent or a teacher what is most important in the development of the young people under their care, they will say things like “kindness,” “care,” or “character.” 2. When you ask students what they think their parents and teachers really care about, they say things like “achievement” or “happiness.” 3. So, which answer is it? The one we are practicing, of course.
Ironically, adults’ obsession with their kids’ happiness over kindness and achievement over purpose has backfired. According to research by Suniya S. Luthar, “children from affluent communities who are subjected to intense achievement pressure by their parents don’t appear to outperform other students.” Instead of success or happiness, the most common traits these happiness-chasing students share today are stress and loneliness. Is it possible that in making happiness the goal, we were mistaken? I think so.
A Goal More Important Than Happiness So, if success (and the happiness we think it will bring) is not the goal, what is? In his excellent book on the pursuit of the most fulfilling version of life, The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life, bestselling author David Brooks writes:
”We think we want ease and comfort, and of course we do from time to time, but there is something inside us that longs for some calling that requires dedication and sacrifice.”
What Brooks means, and we all know intrinsically, is that true life satisfaction comes not from rising above the little struggles and sacrifices in life but from embracing them. When our kids embrace the challenges and struggles they face for the sake of something bigger, instead of happiness, they find another more helpful outcome: joy. Whereas happiness results from achievement or pleasure, joy comes from meaning and purpose. Because they center themselves around a higher purpose, people with joy are not as vulnerable to life’s little obstacles, like failed math tests and athletic injuries, or life’s significant obstacles, such as the loss of a loved one. A student’s access to meaning and purpose gives them an unshakeable steadiness. Joy is a much better goal than happiness.
Sadly, not a lot of students are feeling purposeful these days. In a study for his book, The Path to Purpose, William Damon found that only 20 percent of young adults have a fully realized sense of purpose. So, how can we help our students find both purpose and the joy it brings? Here are a few ideas:
1. Young people need opportunities to discover their passions. I remember watching my brother work at his love of music for hours upon hours when I was growing up. Even back then, my younger brother had found something he was willing to give up his time and resources to chase. It’s not surprising he is still making music today — now in his thirties. Do you know where the word “passion” comes from? The root means “to suffer.” Young people need opportunities to discover the things they are willing to spend their time and resources on simply because they love them. What opportunities are your students getting to find out what they love?
2. Young people need parents, leaders, and mentors who recognize their joy. A friend of mine likes to say that “the only thing rarer than genius is the ability to recognize it.” When a young person finds a passion or purpose, it is doubtful they will also realize what they have discovered. They need adults who call out the joy they experience and encourage them to chase it. What activities are most likely to bring a smile to their face? What could they spend hours doing without even realizing it?
3. Young leaders need us to model and communicate in a better way. As we saw in the surveys, most adults believe one thing about success but teach their kids another. If you are one of those adults who genuinely desires your child or student’s joy over their happiness, then you must embody that belief. Let them chase goals that are unlikely to bring financial success. Find ways to model personal sacrifice and even talk about it with kids. Discover ways to celebrate kindness, generosity, attitude, and effort as often as you do their test scores and sports stats. It’s not that one is terrible and the other is good. The two just need to be in balance.
There is a simple way to understand the difference between happiness and joy.
Chasing happiness will bring short-term gain but long-term pain. Chasing joy might bring short-term pain, but it will bring long-term gain.
Leaders, let’s start choosing the bigger picture today. For our children’s future — and their joy — let’s lead them down a different path.
The post We Don’t Actually Want Our Kids to Be Happy appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/SLR60vw 
By Tim Elmore
I met a young woman recently who suffered a tragic accident on the freeway. We hear stories like hers far too often. She was hit by a drunk driver in a head-on collision and was hurt so severely that her parents questioned whether they should unplug the machines in the ICU. Miraculously, she survived, yet now lives as a person with quadriplegia in a wheelchair.
Her parents’ grief was deepened when they discovered that the intoxicated man who hit her survived with only a few scratches and bruises. How could this injustice occur? The young woman, however, has maintained a stunning sense of peace and hope through it all.
My greatest question after hearing the story is this: why are the parents so bereaved while their daughter seems fine? I think I might know the answer.
How Does Hope Work? This story illustrates one of the most complex emotional dilemmas we face. The young woman’s family now suffers more than she does internally. While she faces an external handicap, they are struggling internally even more than she is. Why do some manage pain so positively while others are overwhelmed by it? Reflect on this equation regarding the suffering, the meaning, and the hope we have in life:
Suffering ➗Meaning = Our Level of Hope
The depth of our suffering divided by the depth of the meaning we find in it will determine the level of hope we experience. This equation explains the young woman who was in the accident above. Her suffering was high, but so was the meaning she had through it all. Consider this equation:
The key to finding hope in suffering is meaning. Discovering deep meaning through your suffering is the only way to flourish in pain. The woman in the accident chose a transcendent perspective that enabled her to see a meaningful future. I have heard many stories throughout history where we can apply this equation. Dietrich Bonhoeffer endured a Nazi prison camp, even brutal torture. Like the woman, he embraced a transcendent focus, being a man of faith, and kept his hope. Similarly, Victor Frankl taught that finding purpose in his future and knowing that his experience could one day help others was the only thing that made his suffering in the concentration camp a little more bearable. He survived and wrote the book Man’s Search For Meaning. These stories highlight what social psychologists call “sensemaking.” We must make sense of the pain or suffering we face, or we’ll be overwhelmed with pessimism or cynicism.
This is when we discover a paradox.
Insights on Meaning and Hope First, we often wish for a life without obstacles or friction. There can be no traction without friction. A life without tension is also a life without traction. Removing all resistance removes all traction, and when everything is easy, nothing may be satisfying or meaningful in the end. Our lives must make use of suffering. We must welcome it.
Second, we can find meaning despite our suffering, but it’s even better when we can find meaning because of our suffering. Both create hopeful mindsets, but I have found that hope is even more robust when the very suffering fosters a new level of hopefulness. When I contracted diabetes, I recognized how I became more disciplined as a person. When I was in a plane crash, I realized how much more purposeful I became afterward about my mortality.
Third, we can choose our emotions. There are often reasons why we feel hopeless, but we must treat emotions as an informant, not a commander. Once you identify why you feel the way you do, why not exchange that emotion for a different, more informed response? Once you gaze inward, gaze outward so you can add value to those around you. You’ll find meaning and see the glass is half full, not half empty, because you are filling the glass.
Chris Coelho is one of my heroes. He suffered a tragic circumstance early in his life that left him confined to a wheelchair with no use of his legs and limited use of his arms for life. But I never saw a victim mindset in him. He was active and making the most of his situation. When he later married, he and his wife lived a life of joy, meaning, and service to others. He somehow recognized the equation: suffering divided by meaning equals high levels of hope.
Remember—if you can’t manage your emotions, you can’t manage your life. We must learn to exchange a hopeless emotion for a useful one in response. When you are mentally fit, you bounce back quickly. You don’t dwell on disadvantages. You can’t control what happened, but you can control what happens next. It’s your choice.
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By Tim Elmore
I’ve made two observations about friendships as I have grown older. First, the older I get, the less I feel I need people. I know that sounds arrogant but stay with me. I now enjoy a self-sufficient lifestyle after building social equity over 45 years of a career. My second observation, however, is that the older I get, the more I realize I need people for different reasons—people who are unlike me, and who add an ingredient to my life’s recipe that doesn’t stem from work.
What I’m describing is true for most people. As we age, our circle of friends tends to diminish. We grow tired and don’t feel the energy we enjoyed in college when we had a thousand friends on campus. Unfortunately, the social incentives at work push many of us toward what author and psychologist Arthur Brooks calls “deal” friends. We have a relationship because our jobs have pushed us together. They’re utilitarian. There’s nothing wrong with this, but we can mistake these deal friends for real friends. And we begin to lose our satisfaction with life.
C. S. Lewis put this beautifully, as a Cambridge University professor. After years of a solitary life as an atheist and educator, he came to faith and began to learn about community. Note how Lewis describes the early days of his spiritual journey: “I thought I could do it on my own, by retiring to my rooms and reading theology, and I wouldn’t go to the churches and Gospel Halls.”
Yet he soon found he needed community from different types of people.
“But I wasn’t fond of it,” he writes. “I disliked very much their hymns, which I considered to be fifth-rate poems set to sixth-rate music. But as I went on, I saw the great merit of it. I came up against different people of quite different outlooks and different education, and then, gradually my conceit just began peeling off. I realized that the hymns (which were just sixth-rate music) were, nevertheless, being sung with devotion and benefit by an old saint in elastic-side boots in the opposite pew, and then you realize that you’re not fit to clean those boots. It gets you out of your solitary conceit.”
That last line may be the key. As we age, we can become more solitary and conceited.
Are You Lonely and Alone? Today, more people feel lonely and experience solitude. I’ve written quite a bit about the growing body of research that shows more people today are living alone, traveling alone, and dining alone. Why? We feel self-sufficient. But we are pretending. Humans are social creatures. Sadly, we don’t want to do the work to cultivate real friends, just “deal” friends, especially at work.
So, this year I took stock of my “deal” friends and real friends.
I have hundreds of “deal” friends. And I enjoy most of them. But they are useful in a work sort of way. My real friends are fewer. Real friends are those relationships that are an end in themselves. They enrich your life, and you enrich theirs. You share things in common and often share common values. Outside of my wife, Pam, I have eight of these. And I feel fortunate.
The average American has roughly sixteen people they would classify as friends, according to a nationwide survey taken by OnePoll in 2019. Of this number, three are “friends for life.” Five are what they call people they really like. The others are not people they’d want to hang out with one-on-one. They are likely “deal” friends.
Three Steps I Take 1. Plan ahead. Place friendship meetings on the calendar upfront. I have my list of people. My friends are busy people. Meetings won’t happen unless I make them sacred.
2. Be intentional about the conversation. For me, it helps to ensure the first 30 minutes are not about “business” or “career” items but about personal happenings, family, etc.
3. Have your questions ready. I bring at least five questions with me to our meetings, so I remember important items I wish to talk about and inquire about. This helps introverts.
I actually gave myself an assignment this year.
As 2024 launched, I made a list of my friends. I came up with 58 people. Loosely defined, this is my community. I noticed so many of my relationships I had left to chance. They were people who walked into my life by happenstance. This doesn’t make them bad, but I want to be more intentional with the people in my life. When I divided them into two columns, “deal” friends and real friends, it became clear that my genuine circle of real friends is much smaller. I consider my family my original community, those I savor the most. Then, I chose relationships I will cultivate this year, people I will mentor, those who mentor me, and the people who are my real friends. I will work to cultivate these people inside and outside of work. They are connections I’ll fight for, ones I must set aside time for and for whom I must invest emotionally.
We must fight for relationships. Will you take this challenge with me?
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