By Tim Elmore

Sometimes when I reflect on a meeting I’ve had with a high school or college student, I recognize how inadequate my approach to our discussion was. While my words may have been accurate and honest, my tone was not hopeful. It wasn’t filled with belief, but suspicion that they might not be getting it. Reflect on the last time this happened to you. 

Every one of us influences the culture on our campus in big or small ways. Often our impact is subtle and inconspicuous. Evaluate your response to the following questions:

When you see three teens down by a lake, as I did the other day, what do you question first?

1. Are they OK?
2. Are they causing trouble? 

When a student makes an unexplainable decision, what do you think first?

1. I wonder what thoughts led them to that choice. 
2. I need to show them a better solution–they have no idea what they’re doing.

When something doesn’t go as planned, what do you find yourself concluding?

1. Wow. We’re about to learn something new.
2. Wow. I don’t like interruptions and setbacks. 

Review your responses. Did you circle more “As” than “Bs”? As we age, we tend to move from the first response to the second. We want to correct. We get more suspicious of kids. We start to assume the worst. It can lead to instant judgments. After all, we’re older and wiser. Our responses, however, often reveal where our heart is. Are we suspicious or caring first? Our questions may all be legitimate, but what comes to mind first shows what kids feel from us. 

Just before the pandemic, our team partnered with Harris Poll Interactive and surveyed more than 2,000 adults across the country. Our questions surrounded how they felt about kids today, ages 12-18 years old. The results were enlightening. Sixty-six percent of respondents expressed a negative emotion rather than a positive one when thinking about kids today. In other words, instead of hopeful or excited, they used words like concerned or fearful. Additionally, sixty-five percent (or almost two in three) said they do not believe kids will be ready when they enter adulthood. Consider how it feels to be a teen led by parents, teachers and coaches who convey such negative emotions. Kids can tell when they’re being led by someone who doesn’t believe they’re going to be ready for whatever challenges they face ahead. Regardless of what we say, they’re digesting not only our words but our nonverbal (our body language) and our paraverbal (our tone) as well.

Three Kinds of Conversations

In Charles Duhigg’s latest book, Supercommunicators, he reminds us that we need to size up the kind of conversation the people in front of us need or want. This goes for students as well. He describes three types of interactions based on what the person needs most:

1. Practical--This conversation is about facts, sizing up what the topic is really about. In practical conversations, the person actually wants to be helped or advised by you. You must ask yourself: What’s this really about, and how can I share something valuable?

2. Emotional--This conversation is about feelings, evaluating how they feel and want to feel. In these interactions, the person wants to be verbally hugged by you. You must ask yourself: How do they feel and what kind of verbal “hug” or affirmation can I add?

3. Social--This conversation answers the question: Who are we? It’s not about informing the other person but about hearing the person. You must ask yourself what you can do to connect with them and make them feel heard and understood. No advice is needed. 

Bottom line? Do they need to be helped, hugged or heard? I have entered so many interactions from a factual standpoint and completely missed the needs of the student. They were in a social or emotional frame of mind and I was in a cognitive frame of mind. And I didn’t connect. I’ve done this with students, with my wife and with my own kids. If you’re not having the same conversation, you’ll not connect and, perhaps, even create tension. When we learn to have the same conversation, we match each other and it is absolutely powerful. 

Don taught chemistry for decades and worked hard to express belief and positivity to students, especially when the subject didn’t come naturally. Deanna was such a student. She was kind, respectful and generous with her classmates but didn’t get chemistry. Don tried encouraging her but knew he had to be honest about her poor test scores. Deanna failed her final exam. Toiling over what to write next to her “F,” he found a way to be both accurate and hopeful. He wrote: “We cannot all be chemists, but oh, how we would all love to be Deanna’s.” 

I continue to believe the deepest way we can impact culture is to express belief in our students.

By Tim Elmore

None of us like for others to stereotype us. When we were young, we hated it when adults assumed something was true about us and never gave us a chance to prove them wrong. I wore my hair a bit longer when I was a high school student, and I am certain some of the faculty on campus assumed I was a pothead. One day, I wore a red and white checkered shirt that looked pink from a distance. I had a student assume I was gay. 

Why do we do this?

Stereotypes are mental shortcuts. We stereotype people all the time because we’re not willing to do the work to dig deeper and discover what’s true. Our brains are wired to draw conclusions quickly. These judgments are not necessarily accurate, but they can feel like they are, and they’re responsible for many of the narratives we have about our students. The best way to describe what happens is that our brain fills in the blanks when we first hear or see something. We prefer to fill in those blanks rather than wait for a student to fill in their own blanks. Brains do this as a survival mechanism, always alert to address harmful input. We base our judgment on the previous information or experience we possess on someone similar. The problem is we fill in the blanks even if we have very little previous input, and it can do harm. According to research by the Fawcett Society, “Stereotyping in childhood has wide-ranging and significant negative consequences for both males and females, with more than half (51%) of people affected saying it constrained their career choices and 44% saying it harmed their personal relationships.”

Let’s be honest. We don’t like other people doing this to us—but we certainly do it to our teens. So, how can we curb this?

Four Simple Strategies to Stop Stereotyping 

Don’t get furious. Get curious.

If you’re impatient or quick to get angry, check yourself when you feel emotions rising. Instead of getting furious at a student who’s said something unexplainable, why not genuinely inquire why they did so? Stay calm, ask them, then listen well. I did this recently, and afterward, I ate humble pie. I saw a high school student trying to break into someone else’s locker. Instead of rushing to judgment, I asked about it and discovered the student had a reason for his conduct. He was helping a friend who’d forgotten her combination, grew anxious and ran to the restroom in a panic attack. He was solving a problem. 

Delay judgment until you dig deeper.

We’ve all heard the instruction—count to ten before you do or say something rash. Taking a moment to reflect before rushing to a conclusion could save the day. In that waiting time, why not dig a little deeper to discover more information that might guide a wise response? Years ago, I heard about a middle school outside of Philadelphia that was having disciplinary issues with its students. A local partner recommended that they institute a new system to help students communicate their feelings. Now, as students enter the building, they call out a word and a number to represent how they are feeling. Students with a negative emotional report card are pulled aside for direct intervention. Simply taking time to listen to struggling students helped the school drop their disciplinary incidents by more than half and even led to higher overall GPAs

Begin with belief. 

I have come to believe that people are down on what they’re not up on. When we don’t have all the information, we tend to get suspicious or skeptical, especially about teens. The best default response for me is always to assume a posture of belief. I can turn my frustration into fascination with a student by believing the very best about them. I imagine them on their very best day before I confront a situation. It completely changes my demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language and my words. I recently practiced this with a teammate, and his defenses went down. Consequently, we enjoyed an emotion-free problem-solving time. 

Imagine how the trait you see in a student could be used for good. 

This one is almost magical. When a teen does something you feel is absolutely ridiculous or downright stupid—try getting alone, closing your eyes and imagining how that teen’s behavior could somehow be leveraged for something good. It might be a quirk that could be used in a stage play or a phrase that could be tweaked and used to achieve a positive goal. I read about police who arrested New York gang members for painting graffiti on some walls. They encouraged those teens to use their artistic gift for good, enrolled them in art classes and now they’re making beautiful paintings and getting paid for it.

I think I’ll never forget my freshman year of college. Dan, a college senior, approached me during my first semester and accused me of being fake. He felt I acted overly excited and my passion was phony. I don’t know why Dan felt he had to confront and judge me, but I returned to my dorm room stunned. He was a respected and influential student on the floor. After recollecting my sense of identity, I determined I would prove him wrong. My enthusiasm was real. The years passed, and during my senior year, I saw Dan again. I was in my final year of undergraduate studies; he was in his final year of graduate school. He stopped me in the library and looked me straight in the eye silently for what seemed like an eternity. He then said, “Tim, I was wrong about you. I’ve watched you on this campus for almost four years now, and you are the real deal. I’m sorry for what I said.”

I’m grateful for his retraction. Let’s refuse to stereotype. Our words must shape, not destroy.

By Tim Elmore

Members of Generation Z, by and large, have been raised by parents or guardians who’ve prioritized the importance of happiness. What mom doesn’t want her kids to be happy? We talk about this subject so much that there are bestselling books on it, webinars on it and even university courses on the subject.

But today’s population has bought into a lie about happiness that shows up on campus.

The Connection Between Happiness and Circumstances 

Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or a school leader, I’m sure you’ve thought about how happy your young people are. Here’s the interesting thing. When we study history, going back thousands of years, we see that our human circumstances have improved greatly. With increased survival rates and age spans, life has become more efficient, safer, and easier. By almost every measure, I would assume our happiness levels would have also increased. After all, the “pursuit of happiness” shows up in the Declaration of Independence.

Interestingly, our happiness levels have not shot up as well.

The data shows that, at best, happiness levels have remained stagnant among cultures for centuries. And over the last two decades, our happiness levels have dropped, especially in industrialized nations. The World Happiness Report is issued by the Gallup organization and other partner groups. According to this report, some of the places that have it best register lower happiness rates. In fact, many impoverished or third-world countries enjoy higher happiness levels than the U.S. So, our reality and circumstances have improved greatly, but our happiness has often declined. There is no real connection.

So, how do we explain what’s happening?

What Determines Happiness?

As I review the results, I can only draw one conclusion and I’ve been writing about this for 20 years. It’s obvious when we step back, but few of us have the time to do that and capture a big picture perspective. Let me summarize my conclusion in a phrase:

Happiness is not an issue of circumstances. It’s an issue of expectations.

It only makes sense that if kids are not happier as life has gotten better, the issue must surround something on the inside, not the outside. I believe that issue is what we expect from society. What do kids feel entitled to experience at our school or home? Imagine a teen is scrolling Instagram where they discover the amazing stuff others are enjoying. They experience FOMO and don’t want to miss out on the greener grass. They enter their college years and careers feeling behind. What we’ve seen informs what we expect. A study was done on people who lived on or below the poverty line in Iowa and Los Angeles. What the researchers discovered was telling. Those who were poor in Iowa led happier lives than those who were poor living in L.A. Why? After digging deeper, researchers discovered that the Iowans lived among others who didn’t possess much so they didn’t feel poor. Their standard of living was normalized. Those in L.A., however, were measurably less happy. Could it be that in that city there is such a contrast in affluence levels? People see Hollywood stars or the rich and famous living twenty minutes away and experience FOMO. If they see all this so close to home, they have a greater tendency to expect it in their own life.  

We Must Help Them Navigate Their Expectations

I believe teachers, coaches and leaders help themselves by clarifying realistic expectations from the beginning of a class, season, or year. Then, we must explain to students why those expectations are realistic. The best way to lower the amount of tension you feel with a student is to align everyone’s expectations. Consider these statements:

1. Satisfying students is pretty much about managing expectations.

When Abby joins a team and expects autonomy and agency from fellow students, but she’s never played on a team, she may unwittingly feel confined or distrusted. Someone must explain to her that teamwork requires mutual accountability from everyone. 

2. Teens cannot be disillusioned unless they are first illusioned.

When I meet a disillusioned member of Gen Z, it’s often because they were launched into a project with an illusion that it would be easy, that people would be nice, that their days would be fun, etc. That’s a quick path to disillusionment. When communication and expectations are clear, we lower the probability of students being disillusioned. 

3. Conflict is created by the distance between expectations and reality.

If I tell my wife I’ll be home at 7 p.m. for dinner and I come home at 7:10 p.m., it’s no big deal. If I return home at 9:30 p.m., we’re going to have a discussion. It isn’t because she can’t live without me for two and a half more hours; it’s the expectation I created. So, it is with us. The sooner we clarify expectations, the more we can avoid conflict with students.

When Luxuries Become Necessities

Here is what we are up against as we lead kids today. A cursory study of history reveals what happens to human beings as society makes progress: luxuries tend to become necessities. What our great grandparents viewed as an “extra” we now see as an essential. Years ago in the early 1970s, people were surveyed and asked how many items they needed to survive. Respondents said they had 35 necessities. Forty years later that same survey was given, and people reported they had 300 necessities. 

We must help students manage their expectations and distinguish between an essential and a luxury to be grateful for. Expectations, not circumstances, dictate our happiness.

By Tim Elmore

Last month, I had the privilege again to speak to the “Teachers As Leaders” in Gwinnett County Public School District, just north of Atlanta. What an energizing, curious, and smart community of educational leaders they are! I’m energized every time I’m with them. Thank you, Derrick Berchette, for the invitation. 

To kick off the day, Dr. Chandra Walker asked the teachers several questions. She inquired: “How do you prefer to receive recognition from your administrators?” One by one, the teachers gave various responses, each personal to them. Then, Dr. Walker asked, “Has your principal or department head ever asked you how you like to be affirmed?” The room remained silent. Apparently, this wasn’t a conversation they’ve had yet.

This got me thinking—how do we know how to compliment or affirm our teachers?

Teachers May Surprise You

In recent surveys, teachers were asked to weigh in on how they prefer to be encouraged or recognized. While none of them were begging for attention, they did say that administrators often don’t know how to do it. Free snacks in the teacher’s lounge or general compliments that are scheduled feel cliché and even artificial. They can feel like words administrators are supposed to say—rather than a genuine recognition of a teacher’s work. For educators, specific feedback is more valuable than general praise. Public shoutouts can even be polarizing.

EdWeek Research Center recently surveyed 239 district leaders, 161 school leaders and 553 teachers from across the nation. Among other items, the survey asked educators to select the kind of affirmation or acknowledgment from their supervisor that would be meaningful to them. The results provide some context as administrators try to boost low teacher morale and keep their staff from leaving. Interestingly, verbal feedback that was specific in nature was the highest-ranked type of praise, with 58 percent of all educators (teachers and administrators) saying it was very meaningful. Specific written feedback was a close second. “A past EdWeek Research Center survey found that 54 percent of teachers said more acknowledgment of their good and hard work would go a long way toward supporting their mental well-being,” according to journalist Madeline Will.

So, let me try to make the affirmation educators want very memorable. 

Making Them Feel Special

Below is an acronym that helps me remember how to encourage and acknowledge teachers. Perhaps it can be a reminder for you as well. The acronym spells: SPECIAL. 

To Make Your Teachers Feel SPECIAL Try to Be:

Specific

Your words should cite precise or particular contributions your teachers have made. The more exact, the better. Cite details if you can, letting them know what you noticed. 

Personal

Your words should feel like you know them as unique individuals. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, but lean in and mention the personal connection you feel to them. 

Empowering

Your words should feel inspiring and provide energy to them. Find out if they prefer notes, tangible gifts, quality time or spoken words. Choose the best way to energize them. 

Connected

Your words should match their preference, either public affirmation or private. It may surprise you who enjoys public praise and who likes the words spoken to them privately. 

Immediate

Your words should be timely and expressed quickly after their extra effort. The closer your recognition is to the act you want to affirm, the better. Try to respond within 24-48 hours. 

Aspirational

Your words should tie their effort to future hopes of repeated effort as well. In other words, be clear you’d like them to continue doing what they did to go the “second mile.” 

Loving

This is most important—you should find a way to demonstrate you cherish them. People are never too old or too experienced to still need words of care and genuine love for them. 

Don has been a school principal for eleven years. Earlier this spring, he practiced this list above. He walked into a classroom to see one of his teachers, Liz, leading a discussion with her junior class. After it was over, Don raised his hand as if he were a student and got permission to speak. When Liz smiled and called on her boss, he looked at the class and said, “Do you students know how lucky you are to have a teacher like this? I listened to her today and after earning three post-secondary degrees, I learned something that was both fun and helpful.” Then, he paused and turned to Liz. “Thank you, Liz, for the incredible job you do on our campus.” 

Liz tried to hide it, but tears filled her eyes as the bell rang and students filed out of class.

Later, she thanked her principal for the affirmation but explained, “I think I got emotional because I’ve never been recognized like that before.”

Let’s see if we can change that.