![]() By Tim Elmore
I met a young woman recently who suffered a tragic accident on the freeway. We hear stories like hers far too often. She was hit by a drunk driver in a head-on collision and was hurt so severely that her parents questioned whether they should unplug the machines in the ICU. Miraculously, she survived, yet now lives as a person with quadriplegia in a wheelchair.
Her parents’ grief was deepened when they discovered that the intoxicated man who hit her survived with only a few scratches and bruises. How could this injustice occur? The young woman, however, has maintained a stunning sense of peace and hope through it all.
My greatest question after hearing the story is this: why are the parents so bereaved while their daughter seems fine? I think I might know the answer.
How Does Hope Work? This story illustrates one of the most complex emotional dilemmas we face. The young woman’s family now suffers more than she does internally. While she faces an external handicap, they are struggling internally even more than she is. Why do some manage pain so positively while others are overwhelmed by it? Reflect on this equation regarding the suffering, the meaning, and the hope we have in life:
Suffering ➗Meaning = Our Level of Hope
The depth of our suffering divided by the depth of the meaning we find in it will determine the level of hope we experience. This equation explains the young woman who was in the accident above. Her suffering was high, but so was the meaning she had through it all. Consider this equation:
The key to finding hope in suffering is meaning. Discovering deep meaning through your suffering is the only way to flourish in pain. The woman in the accident chose a transcendent perspective that enabled her to see a meaningful future. I have heard many stories throughout history where we can apply this equation. Dietrich Bonhoeffer endured a Nazi prison camp, even brutal torture. Like the woman, he embraced a transcendent focus, being a man of faith, and kept his hope. Similarly, Victor Frankl taught that finding purpose in his future and knowing that his experience could one day help others was the only thing that made his suffering in the concentration camp a little more bearable. He survived and wrote the book Man’s Search For Meaning. These stories highlight what social psychologists call “sensemaking.” We must make sense of the pain or suffering we face, or we’ll be overwhelmed with pessimism or cynicism.
This is when we discover a paradox.
Insights on Meaning and Hope First, we often wish for a life without obstacles or friction. There can be no traction without friction. A life without tension is also a life without traction. Removing all resistance removes all traction, and when everything is easy, nothing may be satisfying or meaningful in the end. Our lives must make use of suffering. We must welcome it.
Second, we can find meaning despite our suffering, but it’s even better when we can find meaning because of our suffering. Both create hopeful mindsets, but I have found that hope is even more robust when the very suffering fosters a new level of hopefulness. When I contracted diabetes, I recognized how I became more disciplined as a person. When I was in a plane crash, I realized how much more purposeful I became afterward about my mortality.
Third, we can choose our emotions. There are often reasons why we feel hopeless, but we must treat emotions as an informant, not a commander. Once you identify why you feel the way you do, why not exchange that emotion for a different, more informed response? Once you gaze inward, gaze outward so you can add value to those around you. You’ll find meaning and see the glass is half full, not half empty, because you are filling the glass.
Chris Coelho is one of my heroes. He suffered a tragic circumstance early in his life that left him confined to a wheelchair with no use of his legs and limited use of his arms for life. But I never saw a victim mindset in him. He was active and making the most of his situation. When he later married, he and his wife lived a life of joy, meaning, and service to others. He somehow recognized the equation: suffering divided by meaning equals high levels of hope.
Remember—if you can’t manage your emotions, you can’t manage your life. We must learn to exchange a hopeless emotion for a useful one in response. When you are mentally fit, you bounce back quickly. You don’t dwell on disadvantages. You can’t control what happened, but you can control what happens next. It’s your choice.
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![]() By Tim Elmore
I’ve made two observations about friendships as I have grown older. First, the older I get, the less I feel I need people. I know that sounds arrogant but stay with me. I now enjoy a self-sufficient lifestyle after building social equity over 45 years of a career. My second observation, however, is that the older I get, the more I realize I need people for different reasons—people who are unlike me, and who add an ingredient to my life’s recipe that doesn’t stem from work.
What I’m describing is true for most people. As we age, our circle of friends tends to diminish. We grow tired and don’t feel the energy we enjoyed in college when we had a thousand friends on campus. Unfortunately, the social incentives at work push many of us toward what author and psychologist Arthur Brooks calls “deal” friends. We have a relationship because our jobs have pushed us together. They’re utilitarian. There’s nothing wrong with this, but we can mistake these deal friends for real friends. And we begin to lose our satisfaction with life.
C. S. Lewis put this beautifully, as a Cambridge University professor. After years of a solitary life as an atheist and educator, he came to faith and began to learn about community. Note how Lewis describes the early days of his spiritual journey: “I thought I could do it on my own, by retiring to my rooms and reading theology, and I wouldn’t go to the churches and Gospel Halls.”
Yet he soon found he needed community from different types of people.
“But I wasn’t fond of it,” he writes. “I disliked very much their hymns, which I considered to be fifth-rate poems set to sixth-rate music. But as I went on, I saw the great merit of it. I came up against different people of quite different outlooks and different education, and then, gradually my conceit just began peeling off. I realized that the hymns (which were just sixth-rate music) were, nevertheless, being sung with devotion and benefit by an old saint in elastic-side boots in the opposite pew, and then you realize that you’re not fit to clean those boots. It gets you out of your solitary conceit.”
That last line may be the key. As we age, we can become more solitary and conceited.
Are You Lonely and Alone? Today, more people feel lonely and experience solitude. I’ve written quite a bit about the growing body of research that shows more people today are living alone, traveling alone, and dining alone. Why? We feel self-sufficient. But we are pretending. Humans are social creatures. Sadly, we don’t want to do the work to cultivate real friends, just “deal” friends, especially at work.
So, this year I took stock of my “deal” friends and real friends.
I have hundreds of “deal” friends. And I enjoy most of them. But they are useful in a work sort of way. My real friends are fewer. Real friends are those relationships that are an end in themselves. They enrich your life, and you enrich theirs. You share things in common and often share common values. Outside of my wife, Pam, I have eight of these. And I feel fortunate.
The average American has roughly sixteen people they would classify as friends, according to a nationwide survey taken by OnePoll in 2019. Of this number, three are “friends for life.” Five are what they call people they really like. The others are not people they’d want to hang out with one-on-one. They are likely “deal” friends.
Three Steps I Take 1. Plan ahead. Place friendship meetings on the calendar upfront. I have my list of people. My friends are busy people. Meetings won’t happen unless I make them sacred.
2. Be intentional about the conversation. For me, it helps to ensure the first 30 minutes are not about “business” or “career” items but about personal happenings, family, etc.
3. Have your questions ready. I bring at least five questions with me to our meetings, so I remember important items I wish to talk about and inquire about. This helps introverts.
I actually gave myself an assignment this year.
As 2024 launched, I made a list of my friends. I came up with 58 people. Loosely defined, this is my community. I noticed so many of my relationships I had left to chance. They were people who walked into my life by happenstance. This doesn’t make them bad, but I want to be more intentional with the people in my life. When I divided them into two columns, “deal” friends and real friends, it became clear that my genuine circle of real friends is much smaller. I consider my family my original community, those I savor the most. Then, I chose relationships I will cultivate this year, people I will mentor, those who mentor me, and the people who are my real friends. I will work to cultivate these people inside and outside of work. They are connections I’ll fight for, ones I must set aside time for and for whom I must invest emotionally.
We must fight for relationships. Will you take this challenge with me?
The post Fighting for Friendship in Your Career appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/5sK3mQF In the intricate business web, communication isn’t just a tool; it’s the cornerstone upon which successful enterprises are built. Effective business communication is more than just exchanging words; it’s about clarity, understanding, and fostering meaningful connections. In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, mastering the art of communication is not an option—it’s necessary for building strong teams and partnerships. Effective business communication is the key to fostering collaboration, driving productivity, and nurturing successful relationships.
Clear communication is the bedrock of any successful business interaction. It ensures that ideas, expectations, and information are conveyed accurately. When communication is clear, team members and partners understand their roles, responsibilities, and objectives, reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings and mistakes.
Effective communication fosters a collaborative environment within teams and partnerships. When team members communicate openly and share ideas, they can leverage each other’s strengths, leading to innovative solutions and efficient problem-solving. Collaborative communication ensures that diverse perspectives are considered, enriching the decision-making process.
Trust is the currency of successful business relationships. Transparent and honest communication builds trust between team members and partners. Open and consistent communication creates a sense of reliability and fosters solid and trustworthy relationships. Trust leads to increased collaboration, loyalty, and long-term partnerships.
In any business setting, conflicts are bound to arise. Effective communication plays a pivotal role in resolving conflicts constructively. When team members and partners communicate openly about their concerns, misunderstandings can be clarified, and solutions can be reached more effectively. Addressing disputes promptly and professionally strengthens relationships and prevents lingering resentment.
Efficient communication streamlines processes and enhances productivity. When information flows seamlessly within a team or between partners, tasks are completed more efficiently. Clear communication about goals, priorities, and deadlines ensures everyone is on the same page, allowing for coordinated efforts and timely project completion.
In today’s dynamic business landscape, adaptability is key to survival. Effective communication ensures that team members and partners are informed about changes in strategies, goals, or market conditions. Transparent communication about changes and their implications helps everyone adapt their approaches and align their efforts accordingly. via Adam Berman Attorney | Business & Development https://ift.tt/cKxenbz Commercial real estate is diverse and multifaceted, offering many opportunities for investors, entrepreneurs, and businesses. Understanding the various types of commercial properties is crucial for anyone looking to navigate this dynamic market effectively. Here’s an exploration of the different categories that make up the retail real estate landscape.
Office buildings are perhaps the most recognizable type of commercial real estate. They encompass everything from small, single-tenant buildings to towering skyscrapers housing multiple businesses. Office spaces can cater to various sectors, from corporate offices and law firms to startups and creative agencies.
Retail properties include spaces where businesses sell goods or services directly to consumers. This category comprises shopping centers, malls, standalone stores, and restaurants. Retail properties are strategically located in high-traffic areas to attract customers and maximize sales.
Industrial properties are tailored to accommodate industrial operations, manufacturing, and warehousing. This category includes warehouses, distribution centers, factories, and industrial parks. Industrial properties often feature large open spaces and specialized infrastructure to facilitate production and storage.
Multifamily properties refer to residential buildings with multiple housing units, such as apartment complexes, condominiums, and townhouses. While these properties are primarily residential, they fall under commercial real estate when used for investment purposes. Investors can earn rental income by leasing out individual units.
Hotels and hospitality properties cater to travelers and tourists. This category includes hotels, motels, resorts, and bed-and-breakfast establishments. Hospitality properties vary widely, offering different levels of luxury and amenities to accommodate diverse guest preferences.
Special purpose properties are unique and designed for specific uses. Examples include healthcare facilities (hospitals, clinics), educational institutions (schools, universities), and recreational properties (golf courses, amusement parks). These properties are purpose-built and may require specialized knowledge to manage effectively.
Mixed-use developments combine multiple property types within a single project. These developments incorporate a mix of residential, commercial, and sometimes industrial spaces. The goal is to create a self-contained community where residents can live, work, and socialize without extensive commuting.
Staying informed about market trends affecting different property types is essential for making sound investment decisions in the evolving landscape of commercial real estate. via Adam Berman Attorney | Real Estate https://ift.tt/5exmlW0 By Tim Elmore
I will never forget Halloween in 2015. Just prior to October 31, a group of deans at Yale University sent an email urging students to avoid insensitive costume choices. Three days later, Erika Christakis, the co-director of Silliman (one of Yale’s residential colleges) sent her own email to students. She acknowledged “genuine concerns about cultural and personal representation,” but drawing upon her own expertise in childhood education, suggested the students themselves were best positioned to police their own conduct. She challenged them to be adults. She also cautioned them about the dangers of delegating control over their behavior to bureaucrats.
A flurry of backlash from students occurred on campus.
Before it was over, students circulated a petition demanding that Erika and her husband, Nicholas, an eminent sociologist and physician, resign their positions. The couple’s chief crime, mind you, was asking students to monitor their behavior as adults. But alas, the students chose to “cancel” these two leaders. And they succeeded. Erika and Nicholas both resigned soon after.
The Rise of Cancel Culture and Its Danger I’m not sure what you think of “cancel culture” in our society. It’s been around for years now and often for very good reasons. We all agree we must call out the behavior we witnessed in Harvey Weinstein or Larry Nasser against women. The #MeToo movement has fostered progress for women as a healthy expression of “canceling behavior.”
Sadly, cancel culture has blossomed into something unhealthy. It exploded on the scene in 2013 with smartphones, then hit its stride in 2015, and really accelerated in 2017, mostly on Ivy League school campuses like Yale and Harvard. Many now call such universities “poisoned Ivy.” Students who once championed “free speech” and “open debate” in the academy now wanted schools to cancel controversial speakers, demanded speech codes, called for trigger warnings, and requested schools to police microaggressions. While I understand the desire for safe spaces, the consequences of this shift are sinister—and we didn’t see them coming. One consequence has me concerned.
I believe there’s a correlation between cancel culture and diminished grit in students.
Why do I think this? Because by nature, cancel culture seeks to remove a conflict or an obstacle instead of facing the obstacle head-on. Its goal is to cancel the problem instead of becoming strong enough to stand and counter it.
“Cancel culture allows people to dismiss their ideological opponents without refuting their arguments, while also intimidating anyone who might make the same point,” writes Greg Lukianoff, founder of the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression (F.I.R.E.). According to a 2022 F.I.R.E. survey of over a thousand respondents, 82 percent believe cancel culture is a problem. In a similar 2020 F.I.R.E. survey, 62 percent of adults (including Democrats, Independents, and Republicans) report they fear sharing their political opinions in public, and almost one-third fear they’d miss out on job opportunities if someone at work discovered them. Further, cancel culture has gotten college professors fired; sixteen percent say they’ve been disciplined or threatened for their speech or perspective. Twenty-nine percent say they have been pressured by the administration to avoid controversial research subjects.
So, what’s my conclusion at this point on cancel culture?
The Consequences of Cancel Culture Regardless of its well-intentioned beginnings, cancel culture has made us weaker, not stronger. It has fostered a herd instinct in students and has diminished their ability to be:
It’s especially detrimental for kids because it puts unnecessary pressure on them to operate out of fear that they’ll be punished for saying what they truly think or feel. As a result, kids learn to mask their true identity and stop being authentic. NYU professor Jonathan Haidt explains, “When teens traded their flip phones for smartphones loaded with social media apps, they rewired childhood, consciousness, activism, politics, and mental health, almost always in ways that are bad for adolescents and for democracy.” While some may argue that cancel culture serves as a vital mechanism for holding the powerful accountable, it’s morphed into an excuse for people to avoid responsibility, or worse yet, a playground for keyboard warriors to vent their rage.
Seven Ideas to Reduce Cancel Culture in Yourself or Your Students and Build Resilience:
In June 2012, Dan Cathy, then CEO of Chick-fil-A restaurants, posted his support for traditional marriage on social media. It ignited a firestorm of both appreciation from customers and opposition from the LGBTQ community. There were boycotts and counter-boycotts across the country. What millions don’t know is how Dan responded to this firestorm. He contacted Shane Windmeyer, from Campus Pride, a college campus gay and lesbian association. The two met, attended the CFA Peach Bowl together, and have been in dialogue ever since, sharing perspectives and attempting to understand each other. They took a wall and made it a bridge.
Instead of building walls with canceling, shaming, and defriending, what if we learned to build bridges to connect with others who hold opposing viewpoints?
The post The Correlation Between Cancel Culture and Resilience in Students appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/XEqgL3d By Tim Elmore
Each January (as a norm), I publish a list of my favorite books I read the previous year. Many of the books I read in 2023 were good, but not great. The six titles below were life-changing for me. I offer my favorites below. Enjoy.
Build the Life You Want by Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey In 2022, my favorite book I read was From Strength to Strength by Arthur Brooks. This book (Build the Life You Want) picks up where that one left off. It is research-based and so uplifting. Oprah Winfrey inserts stories and thoughts—which are all relevant—but Arthur Brooks provides insights on how to choose your emotions and plan the lifestyle you genuinely want but didn’t think possible because we default to our current mindset and circumstances. Even after forty years in my career, this book gave me insights into better living. It’s practical and academic.
The Cancelling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Rikki Schlott In 2018, my favorite book I read that year was The Coddling of the American Mind by Jon Haidt and Greg Lukianoff. This book feels like a sequel, but it explores the damage that cancel culture has done to our critical thinking skills, relationships, fears, and hope. Greg is head of F.I.R.E. (Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression) and Rikki is a member of Gen Z. Today, cancel culture not only silences one side of an issue but causes some to withdraw into their own echo chamber. This book offers the data behind it and the solutions to the problem.
Influence by Robert Cialdini This book was originally released in 1984 but became available in 2021 updated with new research and some upgraded case studies. Today, influence is something millions seek on social media, business leadership, and otherwise, making this topic very valuable. Bob Cialdini, PhD, provides evidence-based paths to deepen our influence and leverage it for good. He covers issues like social proof, reciprocation, authority, scarcity, consistency, unity, and commitment. If you’re looking for ideas to build your influence, personally or professionally, this a great choice.
Love + Work by Marcus Buckingham This is the third book I’ve read by Marcus Buckingham, and I enjoy each one of them. This book plays a key role in helping you fall in love with your work. We’ve been told all our lives to “do what you love,” but the world isn’t set up to help you discover what that is. This book combines the idea of love and jobs, revealing how to choose the right role on a team or mold your existing role so that it calls out the very best of you and creates lasting change for your team, family, organization, or students. Marcus offers research and ideas that will help you love your work.
How to Know a Person by David Brooks I tend to enjoy books written by best-selling author David Brooks. In this one, Brooks puts his finger on our inability to know others and to be known. He says it’s one skill at the heart of every healthy person, family, or organization. Yet, we don’t do it well. All around us are people who feel invisible, misunderstood, unheard, and unknown. While Brooks isn’t a therapist, he is brilliant at providing strategies to authentically connect with others, see them, and be known as well. In our fragmented world, this book is timely and enjoyable, at least for me.
Where the Light Fell by Philip Yancey Philip Yancy is a brilliant writer with fresh ideas in every one of his books. He is a man of faith and challenges conventional thinking, forcing readers to think fresh thoughts about faith. In this book, Yancey tells his story of being raised by a widow who paid her room and board as a Bible teacher in the 1950s. After learning the secrets of his father’s death, he ventures past the boundaries of his borrowed faith to a genuine search for truth. With his hunger for truth, Philip began to search for answers his previous worldview didn’t offer. I was refreshed in my spiritual journey as he pushed for a belief based on grace, not fear or toxic manipulation.
Just a reminder: If you’re looking for a book to read and discuss together with your kids this year, I recommend I Can’t Wait! 52 Stories of Kids Who Changed Their World. I wrote it to offer family-inspiring stories of young people—ages 5 to 21—innovative stories of kids through history and today who stepped up to solve a problem rather than waiting until they were adults. You can find this book with discussion questions and videos at: ICantWaitBook.com.
The post My Favorite Books Last Year appeared first on Growing Leaders. via Growing Leaders https://ift.tt/sU9rygA By Tim Elmore
A high school principal recently told me that the mother of one of his students requested her daughter be taken out of her civics class and moved to a different one. When he asked why, mom explained that she was distracted and anxious in her current class. When he inquired why a different class would be better, the mother replied that her daughter’s former boyfriend was in her current class, and it would help to get her out of that environment.
Most caring adults would agree that this mom was displaying empathy.
We celebrate empathy in our day. It’s one of the competencies in Social and Emotional Learning programs. I am encouraged that more and more educators are teaching it to students and more nonprofits are leveraging empathy to recruit volunteers. It’s such a need. We’d all agree empathy is certainly better than apathy, which describes so many people today.
But empathy is a stepping stone to what our students really need from us: compassion.
What’s the Difference Between Empathy and Compassion? Empathy is not feeling sorry for someone in pain. That’s sympathy. Rather, it is mentally putting yourself in the suffering person’s shoes to feel their pain. As Harvard professor Arthur Brooks reminds us, “It’s the difference between ‘get well soon’ and ‘I can imagine how much discomfort you must be feeling right now.’ Evidence suggests that empathy really can lessen other people’s burdens. In a series of experiments documented in 2017, participants were found to experience significant physical pain relief when hearing someone express empathy. This was reported in the European Journal of Neuroscience in 2017.
But it’s merely a stepping stone— a means to an end.
When empathy grows into compassion, it becomes more helpful for both you and the person for whom you demonstrate it. Each one leads to a different response:
Why Our Kids Need Compassion from Us In the example above, the mother felt sympathy for her struggling daughter but was prompted to remove the struggle. That’s empathy. Compassion is feeling deeply for your daughter and working with her to become tough enough to face the hardship and continue. Having raised two adult children, that’s what they needed from me—to leave them in a better spot, able to face similar tough times going forward. It’s better to “prepare the child for the path” than vice versa.
Yet, it is rare today.
You move from a shared feeling to a redemptive action. It’s the difference between a friend and a nurse if you’re a patient in the hospital. Your friend is comforting because they sit beside you, express empathy for you, and perhaps get you some water to drink. The nurse sees your pain and takes action to remedy the disease. Both are nice, but one is better. Empathy thinks short-term, compassion long-term.
Empathy feels good to give, but you may feel their pain so deeply that you’re not even able to act. Compassion allows you to practice metacognition and rise above the pain so you can treat the need. Consider the nurse once again. What if your nurse felt empathy for you but couldn’t stand the sight of blood? You need them to be able to act objectively in the presence of pain and blood.
Caring adults must progress from empathy to compassion for kids.
Because compassion enables you to rise above the negative emotion and take action—it often moves you to act contrary to empathy so you can benefit the other person. My teammate Melissa recently told me her son, Jackson, filled the family car with fuel but left the gas cap at the station. Jackson acknowledged it when he returned home that night. Melissa encouraged him to return to the gas station to see if it was still there. It was dark, and Jackson felt it was probably gone by then. She insisted he either needed to find it or he’d need to replace it. Her teen then requested his mother go with him, but she reminded him that it’s normal to make mistakes, and that everyone in the family should learn to fix their mistakes. When Jackson didn’t find it, he went to an auto parts store—on his own—and bought a new gas cap. This experience prompted him to find a new way to remember the gas cap; consequently, he’s not lost it since. By the way, Jackson is grateful for his mother’s compassion. He tells her so.
So—how do you move from empathy to compassion? First, I urge you to camp out in the land of empathy for a while before you move to compassion. Be sure they know you feel their pain. Step two is to work on your own toughness. To be tough in the presence of another’s pain does not mean you feel it less. It means to feel the pain without being impaired to act. Empathetic parents suffer with their kids when they’re struggling at college; compassionate parents can resist the urge to call the dean or to drive over to the university and treat their young adults like children. Their compassion drives the parent to consider how much they want their child to be ready for independent living. Too many parents stop at empathy.
Our kids deserve more. We must choose to grow compassion for the next generation.
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